How to gain more self-confidence? The simplest way seems to order yourself to be more confident. You tell yourself to be confident. Order yourself to feel calm and firm. You put pressure on yourself demanding from your mind to obey you. “Have confidence in yourself”, “Be brave”, “Have no fear”–that’s my command! Roger that!?
Is this method effective? Not at all. Shoma Morita, Japanese psychiatrist from the beginning of XX century wrote:
Responding to such encouragement is like riding a horse against a wall while hurrying in vain to a destination or trying to wrestle with noren (a cloth curtain that is placed at the entrance of Japanese restaurants and shops). Paradoxically, attempts to induce a brave feeling to create more timidity.
Your emotional mind does not care about the commands of your conscious parts. Sort of the opposite: when it hears “Be confident”, it develops insecurity.
True confidence can’t be induced. True confidence occurs when one is not aware of it. Think of climbing stairs. Are you confident you can do it? Of course yes. Do you think about it, when you are on the stairs? Not at all.
The first activity you can do with a lack of self-assurance is to acknowledge its existence. Feel it fully. Do not hide from it. It’s natural. Yes, I have fears inside me, I have doubts. I am not sure. But I can still do what needs to be done. Those fears are not whole of me.